As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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