"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
