You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
