that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
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My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
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