You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER