Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams