i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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