It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
