Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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