6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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