My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
