there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
be right there i have to get my cape
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
