New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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