like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
