Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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