I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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