Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
