sarcasm needs its own font
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
