the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
