I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
