i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
