Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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