I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
