well I can't set my house on fire every night
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
