You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
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