filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
