sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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