I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Randomize
