I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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