I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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