yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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