I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
