The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
