On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
