Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
