I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
