Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
A+ Viking dick
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
