and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
