I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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