I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!