I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
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i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
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Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.