omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..