i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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