did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
