Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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