and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
