He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
