Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You need Xanax blowdarts
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
