yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
