You smell like a Billy Joel song
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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