I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
