your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
