Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My vagina is officially offended.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
