saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
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I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
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There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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