We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
