Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
